William and Me
by supernaturaldh
Summary: Sometimes things don't go like you think they will. I never thought I was good enough, pretty enough, or special. One man changed that and me for the rest of my life. This is a true story that I felt I had to write.


**William and Me…An E-Love Story**

_By Denise Holt_

William and I had a connection. That was all and that was it.

I met William on February 23, 2011. It wasn't love at first site, but there was definitely an attraction there. I was skeptical of love, of anyone ever loving me. My ex husband had left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I guess anyone that tells you during your last conversation that you are going to be fat, lonely, and all by yourself the rest of your life, well, that can make you very insecure.

I can honestly say that William Breedlove changed all that for me.

In January of 2011 I decided it was time for me to get a life, a life that included someone to have fun with, to spend time with, and hopefully, someone who would want to have a future with me.

I joined an internet website called E-Love. It was on a whim, and I actually don't know what possessed me to do it. I was just tired of no dates, of match dot com dates, of men who just lied about who and what they were. And bars, well, that was a totally different story. Been there, done that. I met a guy that way and it most definitely didn't end well.

The E-Love site assured me that they were matchmakers, that would research the people that I would get phone calls from. They stressed it would be people that actually had jobs, a family, a home, and wouldn't be lying about who or what they were. I really liked that idea, and although I was still afraid to 'spend money' to date, I decided to go out on a limb and do it anyway. To say the least, my grown kids were surprised, but they finally agreed, it sounded like a good idea. It seemed to be a safe way for me to meet someone without them having to worry about who, or what, I was going out with.

Let's just say, the first date was interesting. Although he wasn't my type, he was newly divorced and lonely. He was a nice guy and treated me with respect. He was all about the money and material things though and I was not about that at all. I wasn't attracted physically to him, but we did have a couple of fun dates. By the time I called it quits he seemed to agree.

With one date down, I thought, maybe, this wasn't such a good idea after all?

I called E-Love and told them to put me back out there; by that time though, I was getting nervous, maybe spending money to get dates wasn't such a good idea? I didn't want to feel like I had wasted money, and my kids, well, they'd kill me if I did that. Anyway, I decided to put myself back out there – one more time.

The next week, I received a phone call from E-love asking if I wanted to go out a man named William Breedlove. Interesting name I though as I fought the urge to just say no.

The next night, William called me.

I was nervous on the phone, and I wasn't even meeting the guy yet. This dating stuff is not for people in their fifties who had long since thought they had found and married their one true love, only to have that person squash them like a bug.

Okay, okay, getting off topic there.

William sounded like a nice, everyday type guy, just looking for someone to have fun with. He had been divorced for seven years, like me, and he had two grown boys the same age as my kids, (my twin girls are 29, and my son is 24). I thought that was interesting. He asked me a lot of questions, and seemed to really be interested in what I was saying. That alone was new to me. Let's face it I'd had a husband who never talked and a couple of boyfriends who were just hanging out and letting me pay for everything, so the fact he listened was totally new to me.

We talked a long time that night. William talked a lot about his kids, about his family. I remember I liked that about him immediately. He said he was just looking for a real person, someone who was what they said they were.

Interesting….

I hung up the phone about two hours later and thought seriously, I couldn't wait to meet this guy.

William and I met at an agreed upon public restaurant and I waited out front for him to show up. It was raining, and I felt really stupid standing there waiting under the outside edge of the building getting slightly wet. I remember I thought my hair was getting all frizzy, only women right? I remember thinking, "Man I must look a fright".

Minutes ticked by, I stared at every man that walked toward me with no one on their arm. I was getting a little anxious, but it was early and 'my date' had my cell phone number, surely I wasn't being stood up. I recall I glanced nervously at my cell phone, no one had called. I sighed and hoped it wasn't going to be a complete and total wasted night. Let me tell you, standing out in front of that restaurant, in the rain, I was starting to think maybe I was meant to be all by myself forever. This dating stuff was for the birds. I was too old for this shit.

When a handsome man walked toward me, all by him and hanging onto and extra large umbrella, my heart just skipped a beat. Dare I think, this was the guy I was William?

"Are you Denise?" The man said almost too soft for me to hear.

I just smiled, thank god I thought. I was so relieved, a normal looking guy, with gorgeous blue eyes. Thank goodness.

I was very happy to say, that "yes, I was Denise".

We went inside the restaurant and had to add our name to the wait list. We had to pass the time awhile for our name to be called, and William stood right next to me and every so often he'd rest his hand on the small of my back, just to let me know that he was still there. We talked, but it was very loud in the lobby of the restaurant and I didn't know if he drank or not and didn't want to suggest we go into the bar.

Finally, they called our name.

William was so sweet; at that point, he put his arm around me and led me behind the hostess to our table. It was like he was protecting me. It felt wonderful and I smiled at him.

Dinner was nice, we talked about our children, our jobs, our families, and the fact we were both divorced. We talked so much I can't remember much of what was said. He just kept looking at me with those deep blue eyes, and that wonderful smile. I thought I was dreaming - holy crap, this guy was too awesome for words.

After dinner he asked if I wanted to go somewhere to get a drink or go to a movie. I was excited at the prospect.

I decided on a drink, because I wanted to get to know this guy.

We ended up going to a local bar. William said I could follow him or we could ride together in his truck. I must have looked hesitant for a moment, as he suddenly said he understood if I wanted to follow him.

I didn't feel scared, and that was weird. I felt very comfortable with him. It kind of surprised me, because, normally I am very careful in a situation like that? I can't say why, but I immediately felt taken care of and I trusted him.

Wow, that was strange?

I gave in and said I'd ride with him in his truck.

First news flash, William Breedlove loved his freaking truck; it was like the most important thing in the world to him, besides his kids. He said he parked a little ways away, and we would have to walk. It was raining just a little and he put the umbrella over his both. I had on high heels and he grabbed my elbow, said he didn't want me to fall. It seemed like a long walk - I was like holy cow; where in the world did he park?

That's when I saw Williams pride and joy – a bright red truck. It was parked off in the corner by itself.

As we walked toward the truck the man practically beamed. He told me how he had ordered the truck special, that it was loaded and had all the bells and whistles.

I just smiled at him.

He opened the passenger door for me and held my elbow as I attempted to get in.

Suddenly, he told me to, "Stop".

I looked at him in stunned confusion. This guy is nuts or what?

"Wait for it," he said with a bright grin.

It was then that I noticed the side bumper coming out all by itself. My eyes got wider as I watched the shiny bumper move down for me to step up on.

William chucked, He was a mass of happiness, like a little boy with a brand new toy truck.

As I stepped up on the side ramp I remember that I laughed and told him that his truck was amazing.

This was Williams' baby.

I smiled broadly at him as I settled inside the truck and he held onto the passenger door.

"We wouldn't want anyone to ding up the doors on this baby, now would we?" I said coyly.

William smiled brightly and his eyes just sparkled bright with glee. As he closed the door I saw him practically bounce around the front end of the vehicle, I remember that I grinned. This guy was just special.

We drove to a dance bar about 20 minutes from the restaurant. He told me to wait and he would come around and open the door for me. I thought that was sweet. We started walking across the parking lot and I could tell he wanted to hold my hand. I remember I told him if he was going to park so far away, he was going to have to hold my hand as it was slick, because of the rain, and I didn't want to fall. He smiled, and I took a chance and just slipped my hand into his. He liked that, he gripped my fingers really tight and grinned at me.

The bar wasn't crowded at all for a Saturday night, of course it was still early, not quite 9:00 p.m., and the band was also not the best. But hey, we could have a drink and talk. He asked me what I wanted and I said Jack and Coke. He smiled and said he liked Crown better. I said, just order me that then. He was right; it was a much better drink.

We drank two drinks and talked about our kids again.

The music was okay, kind of 70's music and I told him that was my favorite music. He grinned and said his too. Some older ladies (three or four in their 40's) sat down next to us at another table. They seemed to be out on the town or something. They got a little rowdy and William and I looked at each, we didn't say anything, I just kind of knew he was thinking the same thing I was. We both laughed about how they were acting so crazy.

It got to be around 11:00 pm and I didn't want to be driving home too late alone. I told William we probably needed to leave. He said he had to go to the restroom and disappeared for awhile. When he came back I watched him as he walked up to the band and talked for a minute and then came back to the table. Then guy that was singing said he had a request and they started playing Eric Clapton's "You Look Wonderful Tonight". I was a little stunned when William asked me to dance and reached his hand out to take my own in his. I loved that song and I suddenly realized he had asked them to play it for us - did I say, this guy was awesome or what?

One of the ladies next to us said as we walked by, "Oh how sweet." They were all four giggling and watching us.

It was only William and I on the dance floor slow dancing together. He held me very tight, and whispered in my ear that he liked this song. He even sung some of the words in my ear. I was stunned, happy, numb…all of the above. William already seemed way too good to be true...

At the end of the song we made our way back to our table so I could get my purse. William sat down for a minute to finish off his drink. One of the ladies at the table next to us leaned over and said, "How long have you two been together, you are a really cute couple." Another one smiled at me and said, "You must be celebrating your wedding anniversary or something for him to pick that song for you to dance to."

I was floored. I looked over at William. He was giving me that grin again. I just smiled and said almost giddily "It's our first date."

The ladies all giggled and one of them said, "Well you wouldn't know by looking at you two, you look like you've been together forever."

I remember I smiled and said, "I think we need to go William, they've got us married off already and it's just our first date."

William laughed and we got up to leave. He reached out and took my hand as we walked out of the bar. I wasn't surprised when he walked me to my side of the truck and once again helped me get into the truck. He seemed to be a real gentleman and I liked that about him. I commented on it and he said, "Five older sisters will do that to a guy." And then he rolled his eyes.

On the ride back to my car, at the restaurant, he turned on a 70's station and I remember telling him I liked his choice in music. He just grinned. He sang along to some of the songs. I did too, what the heck; I did it in my car all the time. If he wasn't embarrassed, well, I sure wasn't either. When we got back to the restaurant he walked me to my car. He smiled warmly and asked if it was okay if he called me again.

I said, yes, of course, that I would like that very much. He pulled me into a hug and then he leaned in and gave me a light kiss on the lips. He held my car door open for me and I got in. I told him to be careful. He nodded and smiled at me. "I had a great time," he said quietly.

I watched him walk across the parking lot to his truck that was parked in the middle of nowhere and I thought, holy crap, this guy is too good to be true.

He wasn't.

The next day was Sunday, and I waited on pins and needles trying not to get too excited. Would William actually call me? I wanted him too, but I was scared for him to call too. What would we talk about? I was out of practice with the dating stuff. I felt like I was nineteen again- all nervous and excited at the same time.

I went over my Moms to help her out. Of course he called me while I was there and I couldn't talk. I didn't get to the phone in time, but he left a sweet message and asked me to call him back. I couldn't drive home fast enough, I pondered the time, and it was like 6:00 p.m. I didn't want to look to over excited to talk to him. So, I waited about 30 minutes (it was now around 7:00 pm) and I called him back.

William answered on the 2nd ring. I told him I was sorry I had missed his call, I was at my mothers, and she had dementia and was a full time job. He said not to worry, his mother was 90 years old and she was a full time job too. I smiled at that.

We talked about a lot of things that night on the phone – 2 hours flew by. Finally, I said it was getting late and that's when he told me he had to get up at 5:00 in the morning to get to work at 5:30 and he probably needed to go to bed.

I felt bad and told him we shouldn't have talked so late. He said it was fine; he could lose a little sleep to talk to me.

I just smiled to myself.

He asked if he could call me tomorrow night (Monday) and I said sure, I was looking forward to it. He told me to have a wonderful day at work and that he really enjoyed our date and talking with me on the phone.

I hung up and just sat there stunned at how big my smile was. This E-love stuff was definitely what it was cracked up to be. Maybe, I was finally going to go out with a really nice, normal guy. What a concept.

William called me every night that week at 8:30. We talked about a lot of things. He loved to tell me about his two boys, how wonderful they were, what good kids they were. I talked about my three kids, how proud I was of them all. We laughed a lot. I sat in my swing outside and talked to him. He said he was setting in his glider on his back porch. I finally asked where he lived and he told me. He got a real kick out of it when I said he lived five minute from my brother and that I drove by his house all the time. We were both shocked that we were that close together and never even met. I remember he said he was skeptical about the E-love site, thought it sounded too good to be true, but now that he'd met me, he was glad he'd spent the money.

By the end of the week, I was stunned, happy, numb and totally enthralled with this man. He asked me on Thursday night if we could go out again on Saturday, dinner and a movie, and of course, I said yes.

Saturday, I gave him directions to my house as he wanted to pick me up. He finally arrived, and rung the doorbell.

I opened the door.

William didn't know I had spent 2 and ½ hours getting ready for our date. I wanted to look really good for him.

I remember when I opened the front door; he was standing there smiling really big with a large bouquet of flowers – not roses, but fresh cut flowers, which I thought was really, really sweet. I invited him in and gave him the grand tour of my little house. I remember he looked at the pictures of my kids. He asked questions about the different people in all my photographs. He said my house was nice. He commented that he'd thought Eagleville was further from his house than it actually was; the drive to my house wasn't too bad at all.

Then we put the flowers in water and I introduced him to my son.

I remember William shook my boy's hand and introduced himself.

My son liked that, and he told us to have fun before we left the house.

We went out to dinner, I don't ever remember where. We went to the movie theatre. I told him I liked sci-fi and action movies. He said he did too. When we got to the movie theatre, he asked if I wanted him to drop me off at the door as he would have to park the truck pretty far away. I laughed and said, "Yeah, drop me off and you go park in China." He laughed and laughed at that as he let me out at the door.

While William parked the truck I went ahead and bought the movie tickets. When he got up to the door, I was waiting on him with the tickets in my hand. He looked stunned and said I wasn't supposed to pay for the tickets. I remember I said something about it not being a big deal, he'd paid for dinner, and I could pay for the movie. He seemed to like that a lot and took my hand in his. We were stuffed, and I don't eat a lot, but he wanted popcorn (one of my weaknesses) so we got popcorn and two cokes.

That was a big mistake for me for me - I had gastric bypass surgery 3 years ago and I can't eat a lot. But my head still thinks I still can. I was also nervous and I ate way too much popcorn on top of dinner. I can't drink cokes either, but I drank that one. I didn't want to hurt William's feelings and tell him I didn't drink cokes anymore. Dumb move on my part- I got sick about halfway through the movie and had to go throw up.

When I came back, William seemed very concerned and said I looked a little pale. He then said we could leave the movie early if I wasn't feeling good. I told him 'no' that I had just eaten too much and told him about my surgery, I also said I didn't want him to miss the end of the movie. Then William said, rather firmly. "Well whatever, if you're sick, then we're leaving. I'll go get the truck." He helped me up, put his arm around me and l led me outside. He found me a bench to set on and I watched as he practically ran to get his truck. I watched him and I thought. He's really concerned about me, what a concept. My last date didn't care at all, and let's face it; my ex-husband only cared about himself. I wasn't used to someone taking care of me. I was always the one taking care of everybody else. I thought he was being sweet, although I felt stupid and really sick at the same time. He fussed over me as he helped me get into his truck.

On the ride home, I felt terrible. Maybe it wasn't what I ate; maybe I did have a bug. I remember I felt feverish and I just wanted to go lie down. We got halfway to my house and William had to pull the truck over so that I could throw up on the side of the road. I felt totally embarrassed. He said that it was okay. He was all concerned about me.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, I was being gently nudged awake, William looking all concerned at me. I blinked and realized we were sitting in the driveway of my house. When did that happen?

William helped me inside and kissed me on the cheek. He told me he would stay and take care of me. I told him I'd be okay. He didn't look pleased to be leaving me though, but he finally said okay. He told me to feel better and that he'd call me tomorrow to check on me.

Before I went to sleep I got a text message form William telling me to feel better. I texted him back and said I was in the bed, not to worry about me. I went to sleep thinking what a nice guy he really was. He didn't seem mad that we had to leave the movie at all, I was surprised by that. After all, he didn't get to see the end of the movie because of me.

I thought again, this guy was too good to be true.

After that, life got really wonderful for me, and I think for William too. He called me every night about 8:30. He was precious. We talked and talked and talked. That Thursday he asked me if I wanted to go out on Friday, but it would be an early night as he had to go to work on Saturday. I think I surprised him when I said I'd drive down this house.

Friday night I drove to his house and we sat on his deck. Unfortunately, I drank too much. I was stunned when William said I could spend the night, he was worried that I couldn't' make it home.

I said, "No, it would be okay." But I knew I was buzzing. I shouldn't drive at all.

William was so sweet; he smiled at me and hugged me. Then he said not to worry, that he would not, under any circumstances take advantage of me.

I have to admit. I had brought my bag and it was in the trunk of the car. I wasn't sure if we'd be drinking, but I knew I didn't want a DUI. I've been in relationships before, and a girl should always be prepared. So, I admitted I had a bag in my trunk and I gave in, and spent the night. It was funny really, because we hugged a lot, and he brushed my hair off of my face. Then, though, after a few minutes, he said. "Okay, get on your side of the bed."

I was surprised.

He tucked the blanket tightly down around him and said, "I take my sleep very seriously."

I laughed and said, "Well, guess what, I do too. Stay on your side of the bed."

And he did.

The next morning, I woke up to William smiling at me. He asked if I wanted breakfast, and jumped out of the bed. I figured he wanted to get away since I was there, and well, he didn't want to push his luck, if you know what I mean. He went to the bathroom and I dozed off. Then he was kissing me on my cheek and telling me he was cooking breakfast, when I got up, come into the kitchen.

I laid there for a while, wondering why he hadn't taken advantage. His bed was very comfortable. One of those sleeps number beds. It felt awesome. I finally gave in though and got up and got dressed.

When I got into the kitchen, he gave me a cup of coffee in this Carnation Instant Breakfast cup, and said he loved cooking breakfast sandwiches. Did I like turkey bacon?

I said, yes, that anything was fine.

I watched him cook breakfast as I sat at his kitchen table. He was really a good guy. This was just amazing.

We ate breakfast, and then, I stunned him I think, when I said, "You want to go for a walk before it gets too hot."

"You brought your sneakers?" he asked.

"I said yes, "You said you liked to walk."

He smiled and said, "Sure." I could tell I'd made him very happy. He seemed excited to have someone to walk with.

He held my hand as we walked across the street, up the hill and around the block, not one time, not two times, but three times.

After that, we would set out on his bedroom deck and drink and talk and talk and talk every Friday night. On Saturday, he would show up at my house after work with flowers - I mean every Saturday for six months – He never missed a week. I got roses at least once a month when he'd smile and tell me another wonderful month had gone by with me inside his life.

I told him several times to stop bringing me flowers, but he said, "No," he liked it when I opened the front door and my eyes lit up.

Amazing!

Did I say he was a sweetheart or what?

We went motorcycle riding, went to movies, bowled, went out to dinner, and walked, met his best friend and his wife for dinner, and we walked a lot. It was another strange thing that we had in common.

William really took his walking seriously. He loved that I would walk with him and that I kept up with his fast pace. He said he'd never met a woman who liked to walk 3 or 4 miles several times a week like him. I said that he was the unusual one, men don't normally walk, or at least I hadn't met any who did.

William was very handy. He put me in a new garage door, when mine broke and I bought a new one. He showed me how to spray my yard for weeds. He fixed my dishwasher, my oven, my dryer. I felt bad that he was always fixing stuff. He seemed to be happy about it though. He never paid for it, but if I'd get the stuff, we'll he'd take care of it for me. He fixed my car several times. I told him one night, when he was all grubby and dirty from working on my car that I thought I was falling in love with my mechanic. He gave me a huge hug and said that he was glad. I remember that evening we went upstairs at his house, and let's just say we had an amazing time.

William and I found out we had a lot more in common. We both liked special television shows, and our family and friends could not call us during our shows. He liked CSI and I liked Supernatural. We'd watch both shows together on Friday nights, and that meant, we didn't talk to anyone on the phone either, our shows came on back to back and that's where we were, in front of the television watching one right after the other.

William and I both liked half sweet-half un-sweet tea with extra ice. And we both liked to eat the ice. The first time I did it I apologized and told him I hoped it didn't bother him that I was chomping on ice. He chuckled and told me he did it too. From that point on, we were always chomping on ice and sharing a drink.

When we'd go motorcycle riding, I fussed at him for driving his bike so slow. I liked going fast. William said he couldn't go too fast, that he had precious cargo on the bike with him. I remember that made me feel so special. He loved it that I liked his motorcycle and he'd reach back and rub my leg lots of times while we rode the bike. He'd always have that radio on, playing those 70's songs as loud as you could play them.

That was another thing that we had in common. We both liked 70's music. We listened too it all the freaking time. We'd set on his deck or in my swing and have a drink or two. William liked crown and water; I liked crown and coke. We could listen to music for hours. He had a wonderful back porch with a stereo system built in. I loved it out there, and he loved it that I liked it out there too. He kept commenting that no one ever sat on his deck with him. He took great pride in telling me how he'd built it and it was very special to him. He kept saying that me sitting out there with him, made it more special.

William loved his music; he played it all the time. He even played it at night when we were sleeping, although I made him turn it down low. It still played nonstop - all the freaking time. For my birthday, he bought speakers for my house to go outside on my eves so when we could sit out in my swing and listen with the same type of sound system that he had at his house. He seemed really excited about installing it. I thought that was sweet. He was going to put it in when he had time so that when we sat outside in my swing, we could listen to music there too.

One night, I remember, we'd been drinking and hanging out at my house. We were setting in my swing and William got a strange look on his face and said, "Babe, there is something wrong with your swing."

I got all concerned and looked at the swing, then looked curiously at him. It looked okay to me. "What?" I said in confusion.

William grinned and said, "It came with a warning label that I missed."

I said, "William, what the hell are you talking about?"

He smiled and nudged me with his elbow. His blue eyes we're sparkling. "It has a warning label on it somewhere, "He craned his head and looked around at the swing. He smiled at me and said, "It says somewhere on here, this swing makes, William Breedlove drunk." And then he laughed.

I shook my head and laughed too.

William was a funny guy.

Unfortunately, William never got around to installing my sound system. He said it was a project he was going to work on. Something he was going to do when we weren't having so much fun together and he had the time.

I was fine with that.

William had a big yard and he worked all week on it so that we could spend time together on the weekends. So, until he got the time, we just kept on listening to music at my house on my old boom box It wasn't as nice as Williams back porch, but I really didn't care, and I know he didn't either.

We just wanted to spend time together.

William always said our time together went by way too fast, that the weekends weren't long enough. He also said he needed someone to pinch him, that I was too good to be true. When he said that, he made me smile.

William told me he loved me every single day, and I told him the same. We were having a great time together and the thought of a future, well, we talked about retiring, about building a house together, but then we'd laugh and say we had a long time ahead of us. Our families support was very important to us both. We wanted our kids to get comfortable and accept us as a couple. We didn't want to force our relationship on any of them. Our goal was for them to get together and one day says to us, "Holy crap, you guys ever getting married." Our kids had all been through rough divorces and hard times, and we didn't want to do that to any of them again.

Do you know that William told me every single day, and I quote, via a phone call or a text message, "Do you know how wonderful you are?" I would always laugh and say, "No, but you can tell me that the rest of my life."

That always made us both smile. I miss those phone calls and those text messages more than I can every say. Who knew the rest of our life was not something we were ever going to really have?

One day William asked me if I liked to travel and I said I did. I told him that I had 25 vacation days and that I lost days if I didn't take them by first of the year. He said he had a lot of days too, although he didn't lose them, he could get paid for them. What a lucky dog I told him. We had both been working the same places for over 25 years. Talk about creatures of habit, we laughed about that one too– once again, we we're way too much alike.

It was then that William said he would like to go to Gatlinburg, and he would like for me to go with me.

Really, I though, that would be a blast.

William said he knew that we'd have fun. He said it had been a long time since he went on vacation, but he wanted to go on one – would I please go with him.

I told him I knew of a condo there we could get fairly reasonable and the next thing I knew he was paying for us to go. I was surprised, but very happy to be spending more than a three day weekend with William.

We went to a birthday dinner on Saturday night for one of William's sisters, we also had ticket to the Titans game my daughter had gotten us, but William said, and I agreed, his sister's birthday was important, and we would go to the Titans game after. He also said his son Robert needed a ride home, since he was going too, and William was big on not drinking and driving, just like I was. It was not a problem for me. We would go to the dinner, then go to the Titans game and bring Robert and his date home. End of story. It was what it was, and our kids always came first.

Dinner went long, but it was good, different. Being with his family was fun. He enjoyed them a lot. That night, Robert, William's son, took a taxi to the Titans game and we were supposed to meet him there and bring him home. I was fine with that as we hadn't had time to get the free tickets from my daughter and we still had to go and pick them up. I do remember that night at dinner I heard the name Junior a lot. When we left the restaurant, we got back into the truck, and I said, "All your family calls you Junior?"

He smiled, and looked at me. "That's my nickname, you know, baby brother."

I smiled and said, "My whole family calls me Sissy. You can call me Sissy too if you want."

He looked long and hard at me. Then he said, "Junior and Sissy, William and Denise."

We both sat for a moment, and then we both kind of frowned.

I whispered, "William and Denise."

He nodded his head in agreement.

So that is why I never called William Junior and he never called me Sissy. We thought Junior and Sissy sounded just a little too country for us. We were William and Denise, and that was what it was.

That night, after the Titans game, which by the way William absolutely loved, my daughter had gotten us into the Titans box, so we had free food, free beer, and great seats. He was so thrilled. He kept saying, "I've never done anything like this before. Tell your daughter thank you. And see if we can do it again. If I'd have known it was going to be this nice, we'd have left Clara's birthday earlier." Of course, he'd have never done that, his family was too important to him, but let's just say he was excited to watch the last half of the football game in the VIP section of the stadium.

Several weeks went by. We got the confirmation for Gatlinburg First off; I was stunned when William said he wanted to drive his 'new' truck, his pride and joy, to Gatlinburg. I remember, I told him he didn't have to that there wouldn't be a garage to put it in. He said that was okay, he'd live with it.

So a few weeks later, we went to the mountains.

The entire ride to Gatlinburg, we laughed, and William held my hand. No matter what he did, he still reached over and held my hand in his. Several times when we'd stop at lights, or to get a half and half tea to share, William would undo his seatbelt and lean over and give me a kiss. William was just so wonderful; there are no words I can say.

I found it interesting that William got up every day in Gatlinburg and asked me what I was wearing, and then, to my surprise he would put on something similar. I'd never met a man like that. If I had on jeans and a grey t-shirt, he'd wear his jeans and a dark shirt. When I wore my checked shorts, William put on his too. I found that cute, I always wanted a man who cared what he looked like. He said he didn't want me to feel overdressed, nor did he want to be overdressed either, it was better if we dressed alike. Can you believe that, only a man who truly loves you does that kind of stuff?

In Gatlinburg William wanted to go the "Star Car Museum", I thought what the heck, I loved looking at cars, we'd been to several car and motorcycle shows in Nashville on weekends, so I agreed. William loved it. He got into all the cars and especially the Mash jeep. He said he remembered it from television. He wanted his picture made by it and in it. I snuck the camera out and made a picture of him behind the wheel. He was grinning very big. He also liked the Flintstone mobile and said we had to have our picture made sitting it. I thought he was just a big old kid, and I told him so. He grinned at that. Boys and their toys, what can I say.

We walked down the strip in Gatlinburg, had lunch at an Italian Restaurant, and then William wanted to get ice crème. It was nice. Holding hands and walking together. We were perfectly in sync. That night we sat in the Jacuzzi tub, drank, talked, laughed, and watched a storm roll in. It was awesome.

The next morning we slept late, had some fun, if you know what I mean. And then went to drive to the mountains. But first William said he had to walk down the road to cut some tree limbs that were scratching his truck. I just grinned at him and said fine. And that is just what he did. He came back in like ten minutes, tree limbs in his hand and said it was okay now; we could drive down from the condo. God-William loved that freaking truck!

That day we walked up to Cling man's Dome, the highest point in the mountains, it was a long walk and although William and I walked a lot, we both got winded and had to stop a couple of times. We felt sorry for the people who we passed on the way back down who had never even gotten to the top. William liked the view, he liked the fact we were there together and even asked some lady to take our picture together. After that we drove to the Laurel Falls Waterfall and walked the five miles to reach the top. It wasn't as big a deal as we both thought it would be, but we enjoyed the walk. It started to rain on the way back down and William stopped me several times to kiss me in the rain. I thought to myself, can this get any better?

We drove home the following day and again William held my hand most of the way back. He liked to twirl the ring on my finger. He kept asking me if I liked gold or silver gold. I asked, what did it matter, I had some of both. William just smiled and continued to twirl the ring on my finger. He wore that ring out twisting it around on my finger the entire ride back to Nashville.

That next week it was hard, I missed William and he missed me. He said on Tuesday night, maybe he'd just drive up to see me. I told him no, it was too far and he had to get up for work. We talked that night about me staying at his house more and how it was an hour and ten minute drive for me to work. He said he could stay at my house more but it was a forty minute drive to work. He was spoiled; he'd always only drive ten to fifteen minutes to work. At that point we realized we wanted to be together more and that it sucked, we couldn't be together because he worked in Nashville, ten minute forms his house and I worked in Lewisburg, 30 minutes from my house. We didn't like it at that point, we were both upset and we wanted to be together more, but it was what it was. We just had to accept it- for now, is what William said.

I remember William talked a lot about Christmas and how he couldn't wait for me and my kids to come to his family get together. He went on and one about the fact he transformed his basement into a family get together. He told me I wouldn't recognize it. He couldn't wait for me to see it.

I told him my family had a big get together at my sisters for Christmas. He said we needed to make sure they weren't the same night. He wanted to go to both. He was looking forward to everyone meeting on both sides of the family. I remember I told him Christmas was my favorite holiday, that I was a Christmas decoration freak, and that I loved Christmas Eve. He said he wanted to decorate and spend Christmas Eve with me. That we would work around our kids. He also talked about New Years Eve and how he couldn't wait for us to go out together and ring in the New Year. He talked a lot about a few years back, how he'd gone downtown with his boys to ring in the New Year, how special that was to him. He was hoping they would meet up with us again, and maybe my kids would too, and we could have a special New Years Eve together.

Weeks continued to go by. We had fun. Life revolved around spending time together.

I had planned a week in Florida with my kids back in January. I asked William if he wanted to go, and I was so happy when he said yes. He said he had the vacation time and that everyone would be stunned he was taking off again within a month to go with me to Florida. He did comment about spending a lot of money on trips and we would need to space them out more. I told him this trip was on me, but if he was worried about being off from work, that he didn't have to go.

He looked stunned. He said, and I quote, "Are you kidding me? Of course I'm going."

I was ecstatic, I wanted him to go. I have been to Florida a lot in seven years by myself; well, with my kids, but no significant other. I was stoked that William was going and we could walk on the beach together. I was tired of being alone; I was ready to spend a week in Florida with the man that I was starting to fall madly in love with and allow my kids to get to know him better.

William was thrilled. He was like a kid that day. When we got there he couldn't wait to walk over to the beach and see the ocean. We walked over (my son, my daughter, and William) and just stood on the beach looking at the ocean. A storm was rolling in (actually a hurricane) but it was still beautiful, but the wind was really strong.

That night we went out to dinner at a seafood place, (go figure) and we ate way too much. William had two Michelob Ultras as I was driving, he was not. He was happy, and my kids were enjoying getting to know him better. My daughter leaned over in my ear and said she really liked him. He was funny, genuine, and sweet. She could see why I liked him so much and that made me so happy. My kid's opinion of who I'm with is very important to me.

That night, William and I sat out on the balcony of the condo and drank crown and water, or coke, and talked. It was lovely. My daughter (Becky) came up on the balcony and sat out there and drank with us. It was vacation, we had nowhere to get up and go early, and we drank and drank and drank. William said we could come back in the spring and maybe he'd get his sons to come down with us. I thought that was an awesome idea. I told him we should do it.

My daughter finally said "Mom has had enough." She gave me that worried daughter look.

William just hugged me and smiled at her. He told her not to worry, "I will take care of your mom." And he did. He put me to bed, tucked me in, and held me tight till I fell asleep. He was a wonderful person, William Breedlove.

The next morning we all slept late. William cooked us all breakfast; I think my kids were stunned. William was a big breakfast cooker, and he made wonderful breakfast sandwiches with eggs, turkey bacon, and pepper jack cheese. My kids liked it and told William so; he seemed really pleased with himself that morning.

After breakfast, we packed up to go to the beach. William wanted a float, and I recalled there was one in the condo storage area out by the patio. We found it, and decided to take it to the beach with us that day. It was really windy when we finally got over to the beach, but William didn't seem to care, he was a like a big kid. Hugging and kissing, laughing and cutting up with me. He wanted to walk. In fact he was begging me to walk on the beach with him. We I left my kids and took a walk (about five miles) on the beach, when we came back, we just hung out, looking out at the waves crashing in, the people playing in the water.

If you know William, then you know William Breedlove was one of those people who couldn't set still; he had to be doing something, all the freaking time. He threw the football with my son for a few minutes, but then he was bored and wanted to get into the water.

He yanked up the float and begged me to get into the water with him.

I did.

We played for an hour on the float, riding the waves in. The waves were big, but we weren't far out. It was fun and William was having a blast. My daughter laughed at us from her place on her beach towel. She said we were crazy. William made fun of her for just lying out in the sun, he said she needed to get in the water and ride the waves.

After a while, it looked like it was going to rain, so we walked back over to the condo and played in the pool. William said the pool water was too cold and he liked the beach better. Then we found the Jacuzzi and sat in it a while. It was a good day, one I will always remember.

That evening my son wanted to get a tattoo. I argued with him, but William told me to let him do it if he wanted too. You can't tell your kids what to do when they are 24 years old, he said. So, we dropped my son off at the tattoo parlor and went to walk at Pier Park with my daughter. We walked out on the Pier, and William liked it a lot. He smiled and joked about how windy it was, and that we were crazy for being out there. But he liked it. He held my hand and posed for pictures. He even talked to some of the guys fishing off the pier. We left the pier and walked over to a seafood restaurant across the street and had dinner. William was sweet; he paid for dinner for me, my daughter and him. He didn't have to; I fussed at him and told him I was paying for this trip, he said, "nope, he was paying for this dinner."

So we let him.

When we went to pick my son up after he got his tattoo, William told him it looked really cool. At that point I was glad that William was there and had encouraged me and my daughter to just let my son do what he wanted. My son was very pleased with himself.

As we were getting in the car, William leaned over and whispered in my ear, "You have to let them do what they want, their grown."

I remember I thought, this guy is so right for me, he understands kids, what they want, and the fact you can't change who they are, all you can do is give them the tools and let them make their own decisions and mistakes. How cool was that.

The next day the storm was gone. It was sunny and warm and we all wanted to go to the beach. It wasn't too windy anymore. William was stoked. We dropped my son and daughter off across the street at the beach and William and I went to buy some more Ultra and get a new float as the one he had used the day before had deflated, it had a hole in it.

By the time we got back it was nearly 10:30, but William didn't care. "Baby, walk with me to the pier?" he begged.

He wanted to walk to the pier? Really- Holy crap - that's a long way down the beach.

I said, "The pier, wow, that's like what six miles?"

"Oh come on baby, it'll be good for us…exercise." He gave me that stupid William grin, the one that if you've ever seen, you know exactly what I mean.

I caved, that gruffly, blue eyed sweetie had me wrapped around his little finger.

My daughter rolled her eyes, and said again, "You guys are crazy."

My son looked at us like we were nuts and said, "It's hot, and I'm going back to the pool."

As William and I walked off, my daughter was reading her book and my son was headed back to the condo pool.

William held my hand.

It was a long walk. It took us nearly fifty five minutes to get to the pier. William was relentless. I stopped about 20 feet from the pier and he said, "no way, we are walking all the way the pier." He grabbed my hand and pulled me the last few feet.

I remember seeing several surfers at the pier and the live guards on the shore watching them surf. William commented about how that looked like fun.

When we finally got back to where my daughter was lying out in the sun she was all by herself. My son had not come back to the beach. I guessed he was hot.

William and I sat in the beach chairs for awhile and watched the waves, the people playing in the water. We got hungry and got into the cooler to eat the sandwiches we had made. William had a Michelob Ultra and I had a wine cooler. We got up and played paddle ball for awhile. I sucked at it, but William just laughed about it. We played for about 30 minutes. When we were done, we kissed, and my daughter said, "You two get a room." William liked that and he laughed.

We then sat on the beach chairs again and started eating potato ships. The birds were flying above our head. We threw potato chips up in the air so the seagulls were swarming around us. My daughter laughed and told us to quit. William thought it was too funny. He grinned brightly at me and threw up another chip. At that moment, the seagull swooped down to get the chip he threw up and promptly pooped on my daughter's bathing suit bottom. I mean actually pooped on her bathing suit bottom. I realized it and laughed uncontrollably. It was so freaking funny. My daughter screamed in disgust and William just laughed harder. It was hilarious. Eventually William and I quit laughing and put the chips away so my daughter could read her book. We sat for a long time holding hands, looking out at the ocean.

William got antsy, like I said, he couldn't set still very long, suddenly he stood up, looked at me and yanked up the float. "Let's go ride the waves."

I grinned at him. I had had so much fun the day before. He looked so relaxed and happy. He was having fun. And man, with that two day old beard, and those cheap sunglasses…well, he was hot. I had to give in.

William grabbed up the silver float, took my hand, and pulled me toward the water. We didn't go out far. Neither William nor I wanted to swim in the water we only wanted to play on the waves. We went out in the ocean about two inches above our knees. Not deep. Neither of us were big swimmers and we had no plans of getting out in deep water, either of us.

Life had other plans.

The next view moments are still a blur, a shock. We both got out in the water and William was hanging onto one end of the float (the bigger end) and I was holding on to the small end. He was laughing and looked over his shoulder at me. He yelled, "Hang on baby, here comes the big one." The wave hit and I knew immediately I was in trouble. The wave knocked the float totally out of my grasp and the water went over my head. I tried to put my feet down, but the tug of the water was strong, it was sucking me out at the waist, it was a weird feeling.

I heard William yell "Denise", very clearly. At that time, he was not in distress; it was like he was looking for me. I screamed William. I figured I'd feel him grab me in a moment or so, as another wave washed over and tugged me out again. I tried to stand up, but another wave assaulted me, and tugged me under. I was suddenly scared. What the hell was going on? We were in knee deep water and now I was in water up to my chest and couldn't get my footing. I remember I yelled "Help me" as I went under once again.

I never saw William in the water. I didn't hear him anymore either. All I heard was the rush of water as it crashed into me and shoved me under over and over again. I did feel what I now believe was William next to me for a moment, tumbling in the water too, and trying to grab may arm and get us both to safety. He was there, but then, the water just yanked him away.

The next few minutes were a distorted. I remember going under again and I couldn't feel the sand under my feet. I thought to myself, "I am going to drown if I don't get out of here." At that moment, self preservation took over. Fear that I was not getting out; that I was going to drown was overwhelming. I knew I needed to take a breath of air, but I couldn't seem to get to the surface, and I knew, when I did, well, it was going to be the last one that I ever took. I was fixing to drown.

Then, for a brief moment, I felt sand under one of my big toes and a pushed hard, hoping to push myself above the water, to the surface and to air. At that exact moment a strong hand came out of nowhere and grabbed my arm. It yanked me forward. I struggled to stand up. I thought it was William for a moment. I coughed and gagged on salt water and remember slowly realizing it wasn't my William dragging me to shore, but a stranger that I didn't even know. Then another man was standing on my other side helping me to the shore. They pushed me down on the sand and I remember screaming, "Where is William", between gasps for air.

My daughter was at my side in an instant, and she said "Mom, calm down, I see William, and they're trying to get to him. I see him Mom, I see him." She was crying and said, "God Mom, I thought you had both drowned."

I vaguely remember saying, "I thought I had drowned too."

Then, in a moment, a lifeguard was checking me out, asking me questions, and put me on some oxygen. I remember it just felt wonderful to breath. I choked and gagged up salt water and sand. All the while I was looking, or attempting to see William. I told my daughter to please check on William. What was going on? Where was he? Why didn't they bring him in like me and set him on the sand?

That never happened.

William Breedlove drowned on Panama City Beach that afternoon. I remember watching as people gathered around me trying to keep me from seeing what was going on. I remember watching them bring him to shore some twenty feet down the beach and getting the water out of his lungs. I remember watching them giving him CPR and then quickly loading him on a Lifeguard truck with the siren wailing. I remember being asked a lot of questions, all the while thinking William was going to be okay. The people asking me all the questions were getting on my nerves. They just needed to shut up. I needed to get to the hospital… to William. I kept asking if William was okay, but all they said was that he was on the way to the hospital and once I finished answering questions that I could go to him.

So I tried to answer questions. My thoughts were foggy, my chest hurt and I felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. I fuzzily heard the questions and I attempted to answer them.

"Didn't he see the red flags?"

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"Is your chest hurting, can you take in air? Are you just aching all over or do you have water in your lungs?"

What? How the hell did I know? Where is William?

I thought I mumbled, "Yes - I saw the flags. Yes - I could breathe.

Where is William? I remember thinking, would you people just shut up and leave me alone. I need get to William.

My daughter was by my side, her eyes were bright with tears, but she was gripping my arm tightly, grounding me as I kept answering the same stupid questions over and over and over. It seemed like forever. And all I wanted was to see my sweet William.

My son came over to the beach, I vaguely remember that he was there and my daughter was answering questions too. I heard her vaguely tell my son to gather up all of our stuff and take it back to the condo.

They asked me to go up to the police car. Several people helped me up. I answered the same questions some more, but then finally, the man that was talking said we could go to the hospital, where they had taken William.

I vaguely remember getting into my daughters car. She drove like a bat out of hell trying to get to the Gulf Coast Hospital. We'd never been there before; I just prayed the policeman had given us good directions.

The entire ride to the hospital was horrid. I think I was in shock. I remember wringing my hands over and over and over. I kept praying, please God don't take William away. His boys need their Dad. I need my William. I also thought, this wasn't right, and it couldn't be happening to me. This stuff happened to other people, not to me.

When we got to the hospital, we parked in a spot by the emergency room and rushed inside. My daughter went to the desk with me. I was totally out of it by then. I hazily remember following some nurse to a room. My mind was having a hard time just comprehending where I was and why. Where was my William, was he back there all alone in a room, was he waiting for me to come and be with him?

I found out soon enough.

A doctor came in and said, very calmly, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Breedlove expired at the scene and we were not able to revive him."

What? No, no, no, that couldn't be right. They revived him. I saw them working on him. I saw him on the shore. No, this couldn't be right. I remember almost falling over, grief overwhelming me at that point. I never thought I would consider myself a wailer, you know that person that totally loses control. I found out that I probably am. I couldn't breathe… What about his boys? How could this have happened? William was gone, no, no, no this not be right- they were wrong. I didn't believe them.

Someone physically sat me in a chair, and I heard my daughter crying.

It seemed like forever, but it was only a few minutes, both of us were stunned.

How would this have happened? William was right next to me, how could he be gone?

Finally, someone came up and said, you can see William Breedlove now, do you want to see William.

What? Of course I did. Yes, yes, yes, that's all that I wanted – to be with William.

"Yes," I mumbled out.

I remember being led down the hallway, there were people and things going on; it was all a blur to me. I don't even remember my daughter being there with me at that point, although I know now that she was. I was led silently into a sterile room that smelled of disinfectant and Lysol.

It was all surreal.

And there, lying on a gurney, with a white sheet on his chest and a mouth piece still in his airway, was my William.

It hurt so much. I ached to fix it, to make him take a breath, to open up his eyes, to look at me and smile.

It didn't happen.

William was gone. William was actually gone. I kissed his forehead and ran my fingers through his hair.

I indistinctly heard my daughter making phone calls. I heard her tell her brother that he didn't need to come to the hospital that William had drowned. I think I talked to my sister at some point, but I really don't remember that either.

An older lady came in to set and pray with me at William's side. She said a nice prayer. And then she talked and talked and talked. She was nice, but she really needed to go away and shut up, she was getting on my nerves.

At that exact moment, it hit me; I needed to call Williams boys. I needed to talk to Robert, William's oldest son. I had to tell him what happened; he needed to hear it from me. I then asked a nurse who came in if they had called his son yet. She said they couldn't get a hold of him. They'd left a message for him to call.

How awful, I thought to myself. _Call the hospital about your father, William Breedlove. _I could not imagine how horrible that was going to be for his son. I ached for Robert and Daniel. I remember looking at William and whispering, "Baby, what did you go and do. William, please….I need you, the boys need you. Please stay here with us."

Someone came in and said that we were going to have to leave, that they had to move William.

I asked what I could find out, where he was going, what they were doing with his body.

They promptly told me I was just his girlfriend, not his family, and that I couldn't do anything.

They encouraged me to go.

I didn't want to leave. I asked again if they had gotten a hold of Robert. They told me they'd left him a message, and that he hadn't called yet.

They pushed me toward the door.

I looked one last time at William and cried.

We were happy; we were going to be together. We had talked about it, we had a plan.

He could not be gone. Not my William.

My daughter grabbed me by the arm, and slowly led me from the room and down the hall. I was numb. They said if, and when, Robert Breedlove called, that they would tell him what had happened, and that they had made me leave.

I was overwhelmed with grief, with the fact I was leaving William alone, he wasn't coming back to the condo with me.

My daughter and I slowly walked toward the doorway. We were at the sliding doors when another nurse ran up and said they had Robert Breedlove on the phone and he wanted to talk to Denise.

I knew I needed to talk to Robert. The desire was overwhelming. I wanted to fix this, but I didn't know how. I just knew I had to talk to him, he had to come. His father needed him.

I took the phone and remember saying that "I'm so sorry Robert, you father drowned. I'm so sorry, I can't believe it. I'm so sorry…so sorry…" I was wailing again and my daughter, bless her heart, took the phone and talked to Robert. I don't remember what she said. I couldn't hear anything, but the pounding of my heart inside my ears.

Somehow, she got me to her car. I indistinctly heard my daughter say, "Mom. Robert is coming."

At that point I told her I needed to call him back. I knew I had lost it. I had not done what William would have wanted me to do. I had failed him; I had not talked to Robert, I had not comforted him. I had cried and rambled and not said what William would have wanted me to say. These two young men had lost their father, but I was still here. Why was I spared? Why?

My daughter said something about calling Robert back after we got to the condo and I got a shower and changed out of my swim suit.

I looked down at myself. Hell, I was still in my swim suit? "I bet I look a mess." I said and I laughed almost manically.

I felt better when my daughter agreed with me and she laughed too between the tears.

I glanced at the clock in my daughter's car. It was like 3:30. William had been with me not two hours before. I cried the entire ride back to the condo. I don't even remember how we got there, or even getting out of the car, or getting back inside.

Life was like in slow motion. My daughter helped me to get into the shower and I washed the salt and water off. I got dressed on auto pilot. Then I went back downstairs to my daughter and my son.

My son was avoiding me, and the entire situation. It was like he didn't want to believe it had happened. My daughter wanted me to eat something. I wasn't hungry though.

I asked my daughter if I should call Robert to see what was going on. She told me yes, it was time for me to do that. I called Robert; he answered and said that he and his brother were fixing to get on a flight to Panama City Beach and they should be there about 6:30 p.m. I told him I would pick him up at the airport.

They needed to see their Dad.

It was hard going to the airport to pick the boys up. I kept thinking that none of it was true and the William was just going to show up at any moment.

It took a few minutes for us to find the airport. My daughter parked the car in the parking lot and I said I wanted to go in and meet Williams son's at the gate. While hesitant, my daughter, and son both agreed I should do what felt right for me. So silently, I made my way to the gate, and waited all alone for my boyfriends son's to arrive.

I sat on a couch at the gate, numb, detached, just thinking about the entire day, over and over in my head. I noticed a couple next to me was fighting about how he had a headache and she was trying to get him to eat something. They pissed me off. I suddenly wanted to smack them both and tell them that life was short, that they should love each other, because it could all be gone in a second.

I bit my tongue and looked up at the screen to see if the plane from Nashville was on time or not. I felt nervous for some reason. I didn't think it was fair for Williams boys were coming to Panama City and their father, he was gone. I had seen him, I had said goodbye. I felt the reality of. I knew they hadn't, that they were just going through the motions. The reality that their father was dead hadn't hit either one of them yet. They hadn't seen him. I had had some closure; they'd had none. Just some nurses voice, then my voice, and my daughters telling them something that they didn't want to hear, their Dad had drowned on the beach.

I stood up and paced when I figured out the plane had landed. Wringing my hands and trying to hold it together, so I could tell his boys what had happened.

When I finally saw Robert, grief just overwhelmed me; he looked so much like his father. I hugged him tightly and whispered, "I'm so sorry." Not at all what I wanted to say? I hugged his younger son Daniel, the son William talked about all the time. The one he said was just coming into his own, that was smart and was going to get his life together. William was so proud of both his boys. It showed every time he talked about them. There were no words I could say that would make up for the fact, William was gone and these boys no longer had a Dad.

I told the boys I expected them to stay at the condo with me and my kids. That I had rented it and there was no reason for them to stay at a motel, we had plenty of room. I saw them glance at each other and was afraid for a moment that they'd say no. To my surprise, they didn't. And it made me feel good. I knew William would want them to be where he'd been, to see what he'd been doing, where he'd been staying.

We drove to the condo, stopping for gas and some beer on the way. The boys wanted some beer. Let's face it, it was already 8:30 p.m. and we all knew that they wouldn't get to see their father that night. They would need to go in the morning to sign papers at the Medical Examiner's office, and hopefully, get to see their Dad. They needed that, they deserved it, and they should have it.

That night we sat out on the same patio I had set on the night before with William. It was so surreal. We laughed and I told them stories of the adventures we had been having the last four days in Panama City. They laughed at their fathers antics. I told them about the pier and walking on the beach. I told them about his mad desire to ride the waves. Robert said quietly, "That's my Dad, always tripping the edge, pushing the envelope, always wanting to have fun."

I started crying. Suddenly, grief was like a weight that was suffocating me. I just wanted William back.

I vaguely remember my daughter helping me upstairs.

I was falling down with grief.

I hated that. I didn't want to be that way; I wanted to be strong for William, for William's boys. But I couldn't do it.

I just felt overwhelmed.

Suddenly, Robert, William's oldest son, was hugging me, telling me it was all going to be okay. I heard him saying softly that his Dad was happy with me.

"He was put in your life for a reason, and you were put in his too. I haven't seen him that happy in a long time." He smiled at me. "My Dad would want us all to go on."

What was wrong with this picture I thought to myself? This sweet kid, who had just lost the father that he loved, was comforting me.

It all just broke my heart and I cried myself to sleep.

The next day the boys got up early. My daughter made us all breakfast, but no one was really hungry. We all made a sad attempt to eat.

Robert call the Medical Examiner's office and they told him that he needed him to the office and sign some papers.

I hoped the boys could see their Dad.

When Robert hung up the phone, he looked sadly at his brother, "they said we probably can't see Dad."

I was furious. What was up with that? These boys deserved to see their Dad.

My daughter and I offered to go with them, but they seemed like it was something that they wanted to do on their own, so we let them take her car and we stayed at the condo.

I remember I was numb. Reality was just a big blur. Not only was William gone, but his kids were with me. This wasn't right. William and I had plans for the holidays, for how we wanted our kids to meet up. We were both looking forward to them all having some fun together. This was not how it was supposed to be. I remember that I cried and cried and cried, wishing with all my heart that William was with me.

Where had it all go so wrong? It was then that would a should a could a hit me with the force of a sledge hammer slamming the air right out of my lungs. Why was I still here and my sweet William gone?

The one thought roared loudly inside my fuzzy head.

Since then, well, there's been a lot of counseling sessions, a lot of crying, a lot of drinking, and sitting by myself. I guess some people would call it all soul searching, I just call it pain.

I know that I have been left here for a reason. I know that I have to stay strong for the ones that William left behind.

I also know now that I was put in William Breedloves life for a reason, one reason, to make him happy the last six months of his life.

William, well, he was put in my life for a reason too, to show me that I was special, that I deserved someone to take care of me, that I deserve to be happy, and not ever settle for less than you really, truly want.

And for that… I will always remember him.

holt 2012

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